Toxicity

He's hot. He's new. He's married. He's mysterious. He's intrigued.

"Let's meet for drinks." He says.

"You need to stay away from me. I am dangerous."

And it is true.

I am not dangerous because I lie, or because I use, or because I have sinister motives.

To the contrary.

I am brutally honest and forthright and am as straight-forward as they come.

But I am enigmatic

And I am pretty

And I am fickle

And I am lost

And I say I love you one day

And I mean it with every fiber of my being

And the next day I am gone

And I hate myself for hurting you

But I can not control my higher calling

And this is why men love me

And this is why I am dangerous.

Catching Up......

Since My Last Entry I:

Dated a married man
Had married man leave his wife for me
A week after married man left, I suddenly found him repulsive and broke-up with him
Started going to swinger's parties regularly
Met a single man
Fucked him
Thought I was in love with him
Let him move in my house
A week after he moved in, knew he needed to go
Found child pornography on his computer
Has him arrested and kicked out of my house
Got a job practicing law
Am excelling in my new job
Started getting my finances in order
Drifted apart from my best friend of 15 years
Met a girl with whom I instantly connected to
Became very close to this friend
Deflowered this girl (I was the first girl she was with, sexually)
Drifted apart from "photographer"
Am actually very upset about drifting from "photographer" and, at time, find it hard to breathe without him near.
Reconnected with "Sociopath"

I seem to do what most people do in a lifetime in a weekend.

Is this good?
Is this bad?
Is it rational?
Is it right?
Is it functional?

Through my writing and my introspection I hope to come closer to an answer.

Christians and sluts

I have been talking to my ex-boyfriend lately.

He is narcissistic and quite possibly a sociopath and had anger management issues. But he also mentally stimulates me to an erotically uncontrollable level. Also, the sexual chemistry is dangerously elevated between him and I, and we have very similar political, social and religious views. We are both athiests.

SOCIOPATH: A friend of mine just got married 1 year ago, and called me complaining. His wife stopped giving him blow-jobs. She was all kinky before they married, now she won't even give blow-jobs....this is why I am reluctant to marry.
ME: It's not only the fault of women. Men like to date sluts but marry virgin Mary's.
SOCIOPATH: Christianity is to blame for that.
ME:
SOCIOPATH: Well, I like kinky sex. So I remain unmarried
ME: I'm opposite, the more comfortable I get with a man the kinkier I get.
SOCIOPATH: MMMMMMM, I know!
ME: HAHA, yes in our years together I got VERY comfortable with you!
SOCIOPATH: I LOVE sluts. I want my wife to be slutty. The sluttier the better.
ME: That's why I love you. You HATE JESUS and LOVE SLUTS

Entitled

I often worry my children have fallen into the "Age of Entitlement."

The young generation, I believe, think they DESERVE everything just for BEING.

They are told, by their parents and society as a whole, they DESERVE:

Respect
Constant Comfort
Instant Gratification
Unconditional Love
And the list goes on....

All just for "being themselves."

And I make it a constant effort NOT to reinforce this belief in my OWN KIDS.

However, a recent interaction between me and my daughter has me questioning whether I am doing an adequate job.

I took my kids to visit my mom in a city about four hours from home this weekend. When they asked to bring their hamsters I obliged. About an hour into the trip I turned on the air conditioner, as we are having an unseasonally warm winter and the sun beating down on me was making me warm.

DAUGHTER: Mommy, aren't hamsters from Africa
ME: I don't know, I think so
DAUGHTER: They live in the desert, I read it online
ME: OK
DAUGHTER: So...they prefer it hot
ME: UMMMMMM, OK
DAUGHTER: And you have on the air conditioner.
ME: Yes, I'm driving. And its hot
DAUGHTER: But my hamsters like hot climate
ME: Look, daughter, I am hot. your hamster has fur. She will survive

Then minutes pass, fairly quietly.

SON: Mommy, my hamster LOOKS cold
DAUGHTER: I think Ethan's hamster is dieing
SON: He looks SOOOOO cold

For the record....the hamsters were NOT dieing or threatening to die.

Did I turn off the Air Conditioner and drive in the heat in order to keep the hamsters comfortable? I am not telling.

But, all I can say from this interaction is not only do my children feel a sense of entitlement, but they feel their pets have the same sense of entitlement.

And yes, I turned off the damn air conditioner!

A Tale Of Three Joes

There are three Joes in my life right now.
And I am not being figurative.
There are three men.
Same Name.
In my life right now.
Each contributing in very different manners.
And, as note, names been changed to protect innocent.
But, I kid you not, these three men have same name.

Joe #1:
High executive of Fortune 500.
Local Politician.
Thinks he is utterly in love with me.
Thinks I am akin to a mix of Virgin Mary, Aristotle and Shakespeare.
Adores me.
And that is all I let him see.
But he makes me WANT MORE from life.
Because of him I went to law school.
Because of him I got my current job.
Because of him I am purer, smarter, more creative than I could ever be.

Joe #2:
Works at auto repair shop.
Tall, hot, and lusted after.
He likes to dominate me.
He adores my submission, my uninhibited sexual nature.
And that I will (and have) done sexual exploits so tabboo that they may be illegal in some states.
I am his obedient ass whore.
And that is all I let him see.
And he makes me want to BEG.
And he makes me want to SUBMIT.
And he makes me proud of the bruises on my ass the morning after.
Because of him I am more uninhibited, sexual, and submissive than I could ever be.

Joe#3:
Works in media industry.
Deep, profound and charismatic.
He makes me THINK.
He loves our INTELLECTUAL DISCOURSE.
And that we can be honest and open with each other.
And connect on a deeper level.
And I let him see ALL OF ME.
And he makes me be HONEST with MYSELF.
And his mind makes me want him.
And his personality makes me daydream about him for inordinate amounts of time during day.
Because of him, I am accepting me for me.

Me and my Joes.
None of them perfect.
None of the relationships ideal.
Or perfect.
Or storybook.
Or romantic.

But, they all bring me closer to self-realization.
And isn't that the point of human interaction, afterall?

My Dirty Little Secret.....

The DIRTY FILTHY PERVERTED secret of the week?

I am happy!

And functioning!

And productive!

One of my favorite people just sent me a mail:

You've not been writing- is it because your happy now with job and life? Writing about happiness is not taboo, although definitely not as fun I will concede...

This is actually profound to me.

I love to write about my dysfunctions

My erotic self

My dysfunctional habits

My crazy sexual perclivities

Kinky Catholic Lawyer has COMPARTMENTALIZED her life

Herself

Into two

The GOOD and the BAD

The VIRGIN and the WHORE

The INTELLIGENT and the STUPID

In my path to self-discovery.

I MUST MERGE

Albeit, this may mean some less-interesting writing

But, on the other hand,

The profound may result.

Let the merging commence!

Self-Depracation

A good friend of mine said the other day, "You do not portray all of the great things about yourself in your writing. You are an intelligent, caring, beautiful woman, but you deemphasize that when you write."

And this got me to thinking. Why do I engage in self-depracation? Why don't I express the beauty in my daily life?

Life is a journey, and I am on a constant path of self-discovery and self-improvement. On this path, I have discovered, through the aid of aforemetioned friend, that I focus too much on negative aspects of my personality and not enough of the positive. Maybe it is indicitive of how I see myself? Maybe it is a shield, or a wall, to depersonalize, so no body every gets too close? Maybe it is the way I seek attention? Maybe I think my more self-effacing activities make for more colorful reading.

Regardless of why, I have decided to make a conscious effort to be less self-depracating....both in my life and in my writing.

On that note, it was a big day for me! I was offered by first REAL job as an attorney at a mid-sized firm in the city. Not only is it a great position, but I will be using my legal skills to do something I feel truely passionate about - advocate for children with special needs. This takes on very special interest in my life since my youngest child is autistic.

I feel a new, brighter, more-fulfilling and beautiful chapter in my life beginning.

ALL THESE THINGS THAT I'VE DONE

Last week, while drive home from work, I has a transcending experience.

Right there, in gridlock on I-95

An epiphany of sorts.

And it came to me from

The Killers.

No, I'm not using any deep euphomism

The rock group

The Killers

And the transcending experience:

"ALL THESE THINGS THAT I'VE DONE"

When there's nowhere else to run

Is there room for one more son

One more son

If you can hold on

If you can hold on, hold on

I wanna stand up,

I wanna let go

You know, you know - no you don't, you don't

I wanna shine on in the hearts of men

I wanna mean it from the back of my broken hand

And these words I wanted to SCREAM to the world.

SCREAM to everyone who's ever hurt me in life

SCREAM to everyone who's ever helped me in life

SCREAM to everyone who's ever loved me

SCREAM to everyone who's ever hated me

SCREAM to everyone who's ever fucked me

"I WANNA STAND UP!"

Another head aches, another heart breaks

I am so much older than I can take

And my affection, well it comes and goes

I need direction to perfection, no no no no

Perfection

Perfection

Perfection

The perfect score?

The perfect mom?

The perfect fuck?

The perfect body?

The perfect mind?

The perfect drug?

The perfect husband?

The perfect life?

Help me out

Yeah, you know you got to help me out

Yeah, oh don't you put me on the back burner

You know you got to help me out

Every Day

Every Minute

Every Second

I'm SCREAMING

PLEADING

BEGGING:

HELP ME OUT

But too silent for the world to hear

And too stubborn to raise my voice

And too independent to NEED YOUR HELP!

And when there's nowhere else to run

Is there room for one more son

These changes ain't changing me

The gold-hearted boy I used to be

My changes

My transformations

My improvements

My digressions

Do they define me

From Virgin Mary to dirty slut

From housewife to lawyer

From clean and sober to high and happy

From me to ME to me to ME

Yeah, you know you got to help me out

Yeah, oh don't you put me on the back burner

You know you got to help me out

You're gonna bring yourself down

Yeah, you're gonna bring yourself down

Yeah, you're gonna bring yourself down

HELP ME OUT

BUT GO AWAY

I DON'T NEED YOUR HELP

AFTERALL

Over and in, last call for sin

While everyone's lost, the battle is won

With all these things that I've done

All these things that I've done

If you can hold on

If you can hold on

All these things that I've done...

Raised a child with special needs...patiently and lovingly

All these things that I've done...

The three-somes, four-somes, eating out a model last week while a room-full of horny men leared

All these things that I've done...

Sucessfully completing law school as a single mom

And I can hold on..

So I'm holding on!

Bundle Of Addictions

SLEEPING

GAMBLING

SEX

COCAINE

That is my bundle of addictions

SLEEPING

GAMBLING

SEX

COCAINE

In order of impact on my life too.

Perhaps they are interrelated.

Sex and cocaine make me inevitably tired.

Cocaine should make me want to fuck (but, the opposite is true).

Gambling is just randomly thrown in there

SLEEPING

GAMBLING

SEX

COCAINE

I embrace my addictions.

They balance each other out.

And make me the unique individual I am.

They work together.

We all have bundles of addictions I believe.

Exercise, Religion, Shopping?

Shopping, Working, Relationships?

Internet, Pornography, Eating?

Eating, Weed, Video games?

What is in YOUR bundle of addictions?

Attorney By The Numbers

2006: Year KCL graduated law school
48: Number of resumes KCL has sent out in last two months
4: Number of interviews
42: Number of PRACTICING attorney jobs KCL has applied to in last two months
0 Number of PRACTICING attorney job interviews KCL has gone on
$40,000 The amount that was posited as starting salary for practicing attorney during recent phone screening
$150,000 The amount of law school debt KCL carries

People thing lawyers have it easy. Think again. Only the top students from the top school live a decent life. If I had known truth I'd never have gone to law school. The bright side though, legal temporary work is abundant....if not mind-numbing, and pays in the $35-$55/hour range. Bad news, no benefits.

I really should have been a stripper!

Uninspired

Been feeling uninspired to write.

Then the guilt sets in.

I SHOULD have something to write about

I SHOULD feel creative

I SHOULD be inspired

But I'm not.

The truth is, I've been feeling kind of down the last few days.

My best friend and I had a falling out a few weeks ago, and I'm starting to miss her.

Been doing a lot of reevaluation of my life too.

But, alas, no revelations, epiphanies, conclusions, or resolutions of any sort.

If life is a journey, I must be on the mud road overlooking the swamp land

Fortunately, soon I'm apt to arrive at the beach

Where there will be:

Cold drinks

Hot Men

Naked Chicks

Gratuitous sex

And a lot more to write about.

A Horse in Zebra Striped Pajamas

I saw a zebra one day.....
It may have been a horse in its pajamas....
But I'm pretty sure it was a zebra...
Tough to find zebra-striped pajamas in that size.

During the winter of 2000, I met a man, and we quickly fell in love. I was married, he was married...everything was new. Alas, it lasted only a few months until I ended it, came clean to my husband, and made a resolution to save my marriage.

Fast-forward seven years. I have been divorced coming on four years in April. Married man is still.....MARRIED. And under the false pretense that he is still in love with me.

I keep him at arms length...allow him to see me three or four times a year. He is a great guy, but we are polar-opposites. We would never fit into each other's lives. I provide a great distraction from his 250 pound wife who is always in a bad mood and stopped giving him oral sex in 1993.

But, alas, he is the V.P. of a Fortune 500 company and a local politician, and I am a free spirited Kinky Catholic Lawyer.

Here are excerpts from a recent conversation between Kinky Catholic Lawyer (KCL) and Married Man (MM)

MM: I'm leaving my wife soon, so we can run away together.
KCL: You are NEVER leaving...you have been saying this every six months or so for the last eight years
MM: No, really, this time I'm leaving. WE are going to run away together and I'm going to take care of you until you grow old.
KCL: I don't WANT you to take care of me. MM, you can get any woman you want. You make more money than GOD, you are gorgeous...once you leave your wife, which I know you never will, go find a malleable 20 year old hottie who you can mold.
MM: But I want you.
KCL: You do not really want me, you want an idealized image of me.
MM: No, I want you
KCL: We'd never fit into each others lives.
MM: Yes we would
KCL: Your image is so important to you, and I will NEVER adopt societal norms.
MM: I love you anyway
KCL: No, you do not love me, you just love the idea of me.
MM: No, I love you. Plus, KCL, you are a lawyer now. Like it or not you need to grow up and start worrying about societal norms
KCL: I'm not changing. And we are not getting into this again!


On another front, last month I met a man, Photographer, who I do feel could be woven in quite nicely to the tapestry of my life. He actually reminds me a lot of myself. I still can't figure out what turns me on more, the way he kisses me or the way it feels when our thoughts collide.

Time shall tell though whether he is a zebra, or a horse in zebra pajamas.

"Short Tales"

tall tale
noun
an improbable (unusual or incredible or fanciful) story
short tale
noun
the opposite of tall tale

I am the teller of "short tales"

I just find myself in very unusual, bizarre, erotic, dysfunctional, odd, extraordinary situations.

Like on a daily basis.

These stories usually begin something like:

"You are never going to believe this, but last night..."

And I get the feeling

Noone ever believes me.

So I have this blog.

I believe ANYTHING can happen in life..

Once you just LET GO

let go of your insecurities

let go of societal judgments

let go of religiously-imputed (and arbitrary) morals

let go of your fears

And let life happen.

Friday night I am sitting in an empty warehouse turned artist commune in a city ninety miles away from my house.

Staring at women in string bikinis doing acrobatics with hula hoops

And men dressed in leather, leading around women in dog collars

And I turned to the man next to me and said:

"No one would believe this, even if I told them"

Later I laid on a dirty mattress on the ground

As strangers licked liquor off my nipples.

Life happens

Once you let yourself go

Would you like to come along for the ride with me?

Identity Crisis

I just looked in the mirror, and asked myself, who are you, Kinky Cath0lic Lawyer?

The devote and loving mother that had a "breakfast date" with your lovely daughter this morning
OR
The drug-induced party-girl that ingested enough narcotics to sustain a Columbian Drug-Lord for a week last night?

The wanton dirty little whore who begs to have her hair pulled
OR
The scared little girl that only wants to be held safely all night?

The brilliant attorney, who managed to get through law school, as a single mother. and against all odds
OR
The not-so brilliant attorney who has been manging her cash-flow so poorly that she came home to no water last week?

Am I:
A druggie?
A dirty little whore?
A Goddess on my knees?
Just too scared?
Just too brave?
Just too independent?
Just too lonely?
Just too lost to know what I want anymore?
An enigma?
A swinger?
A lawyer?
No more than a product of my sexually abusive childhood?
A sex-addict?
A bi-sexual?
A survivor?

Or is it possible that I am all of the above?

AND THAT IS JUST FINE?

Inspiration

Inspiration can come from many places:
Daily life experiences
Music
Art
Literature
Your parents
Your children
That 3rd hit of acid
That 4th orgasm
That 5th Grey Goose Martini
Your idols
Your enemies
Your lovers
Your friends
Strangers
Bad experiences
Good experiences

And today I feel inspired
Inspired to write
Inspired to vent
Inspired to share
Inspired to evolve

A combination of the above has inspired me to write again. Cheaper than therapy, healthier than cocaine.

And my life is too rich of beautifully random and bizarre experiences not to share.

I hope to share my inspiration....